Guide to Making a Repair (Even When You Get It Wrong)
So…you messed up. Welcome to the club.
Here’s the thing: in relationships, it’s not whether you’ll get it wrong. It’s when—and what you do next.
Our knee-jerk reactions often come from what Terry Real calls our “Adaptive Child” — the younger, scrappier version of ourselves that figured out how to survive tough stuff growing up. This part of you can be brilliant in danger or chaos. But in your relationship? It’s usually a bull in a china shop.
When your partner gives you feedback (a gentle nudge or a full-on blowtorch), it’s easy for your Adaptive Child to leap in, armor on, fists metaphorically swinging. You want to defend, explain, point out their flaws right back. The problem? That knee-jerk response blocks the very thing you’re craving: connection, understanding, and repair.
Why We Get Stuck
Adaptive Child vs. Wise Adult
Adaptive Child: This is the part of you shaped in childhood to protect you. It reacts fast, sees things in black-or-white, and tries to keep you safe by defending, attacking, or withdrawing. It’s all about survival, not connection.
Wise Adult: This is the grown-up part of you that can stay grounded, flexible, and compassionate—even when you’re upset. It sees nuance, takes responsibility, and stays focused on preserving the relationship instead of “winning” the fight.
When two Adaptive Children collide, nobody’s getting heard.
The Irony of the Fight
You want your partner to see your side. They want you to see theirs. Neither of you is willing to drop your sword first. That’s the ultimate irony: fighting for connection in a way that destroys connection.
How to Make a Repair
Here’s how to step out of your Adaptive Child and into your Wise Adult, even if you’ve already said or done things you regret.
Step 1: Cool Off
If you’re flooded (heart pounding, mind racing), you’re not in your Wise Adult.
Take a pause. Breathe. Go splash your face with cold water. Walk around the block.
You’re not abandoning the conversation—you’re coming back when you can stay present.
Step 2: Customer Service Mode
Borrow Terry Real’s advice: when your partner has feedback, put on your customer service hat.
Imagine you work at Nordstrom. A customer comes in yelling that the shirt shrunk in the wash. You don’t scream, “Well, maybe you should read the care label!” You say:
“I’m so sorry that happened. Let’s see what we can do to fix it.”
Your partner is the same. They want to feel heard and cared for—even if you disagree.
Step 3: Listen for the Kernel of Truth
Even if you think your partner is 98% wrong, look for the 2% that’s true.
Instead of:
“You’re overreacting. I never do that.”
Try:
“I hear that you felt dismissed when I interrupted you. That wasn’t my intention, and I’m sorry it landed that way.”
This doesn’t mean you’re rolling over. It means you’re staying relational.
Step 4: Speak in Behaviors, Not Traits
Don’t make it about character defects. Focus on what happened.
Instead of: “You’re so selfish.”
Try: “When you walked away in the middle of our talk, I felt alone.”
Similarly, own your side without trashing yourself:
Instead of: “I’m a terrible partner.”
Try: “I raised my voice, and I regret that.”
Shame blocks change. Accountability fuels it.
Step 5: Offer a Repair
Ask yourself: What does my partner need to feel okay again?
An apology?
A do-over of the conversation?
Space for now and a check-in later?
Reassurance?
A good repair is specific. “I’m sorry” can fall flat if it’s not paired with clarity:
“I’m sorry I cut you off. I want to hear what you were saying. Can we try again?”
Step 6: Make a Commitment for Next Time
This seals the deal. Let your partner know you’re willing to grow:
“Next time, I’ll pause before responding so quickly. If I start getting defensive, I’ll ask for a break instead of shutting you out.”
Reminders When You Slip
Repair is always possible, even days later.
Your Adaptive Child isn’t a monster—it’s just outdated software trying to keep you safe.
Staying relational doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. It means bringing them forward in a way that keeps the connection alive.
The goal is progress, not perfection.
A Final Word
Getting it wrong doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It means you’re human. The power lies in what you do next. Every repair you make builds trust.
Remember: The fight isn’t the problem. Staying stuck in disconnection is.
So if you’ve messed up…congratulations. You’re officially in the arena. Now go make it right.
Optional Exercise:
Think about a recent fight. Answer these questions:
✅ What did my Adaptive Child want to do or say?
✅ What might my Wise Adult have said instead?
✅ What small repair can I offer now?